Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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