Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
