i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
