That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Someone came in the potted fern
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
