I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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