Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
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He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
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i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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