I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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