I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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