Moan for me like Helen Keller
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Randomize
