She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wish they made helmets for livers.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
