I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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