Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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