He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
