If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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