have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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