I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
