i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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