I met the friendliest cop last night
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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