she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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