Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She even gives head with a lisp.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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