so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
