If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
