I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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