I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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