Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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