i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
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he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
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Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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