Whod you bang
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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