just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
