I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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