Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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