We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
