I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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