Do you still have your period?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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