Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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