my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I should be a condom model.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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