It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
