Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
