I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
