$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
