true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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