I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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