I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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