Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
