last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
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she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
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how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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