Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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