my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
