In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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