i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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