She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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