A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think people are normalizing furries
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
