Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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