I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
