i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Drunk is not a location!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
