there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
