my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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